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Chapter V: Reactions

Low-income couples, especially the unmarried, rarely have had the opportunity to take advantage of marriage education programs. Such programs usually are not offered in their communities, and those that are available typically do not take into account the characteristics and circumstances of low-income families. Yet in a number of recent state-administered surveys, very high proportions of low-income groups say they would consider using marriage/relationship education, such as workshops or classes, to strengthen their relationships and marriage (Dion, Hesketh, and Harrison 2004).

Despite this interest, we know little about how low-income unmarried couples actually might respond if such programs were accessible to them. One indicator of response, of course, is the extent of their participation in BSF—a topic covered in previous chapters of this report. Another indicator is how participants experience the program: Do they find it appealing? Are they using the skills they are learning? Do they think the program is benefiting them? While such questions do not tell us if the program will have long-lasting effects on participants’ lives or lead to healthy and stable marriages, they are of interest for several reasons:

1. If participants have difficulty comprehending or learning the material, or if they do not see the value of it, they will be unlikely to practice and internalize the information and skills.

2. Using the information and skills in the context of their relationships is likely to be a necessary precursor to positive program impacts on healthy marriage and child well-being.

3. Developing an understanding of how couples experience the program during the pilot stage could suggest opportunities for refining programs to better meet couples’ needs.

This chapter summarizes participants’ experiences in the marriage education/relationship skills component of BSF during the pilot period. We draw on information obtained primarily during visits to four of the seven pilot sites: Baton Rouge, Florida, Indiana, and Texas (the remaining BSF sites could not be studied as closely because they were not yet far enough along in their operations). Information on participants’ responses was gathered through semi-structured group discussions with male and female participants, interviews with program staff who interacted with participants, videotaped and in-person observations of live group sessions, and meetings between curriculum developers and group facilitators. Although the participants we observed and interviewed were not a random sample of everyone assigned to the program group, the use of multiple sources of information provides some assurance that responses were not exceptions and may be at least broadly representative of those who chose to participate. The findings reported in this chapter focus on areas where direct observations by program staff, the research team, and participants themselves all generally agree.

In this chapter, we first describe why some participants initially were reluctant to come to the group sessions, and what helped them to overcome their hesitations. Next, we discuss the extent to which men and women actively engaged in the group discussions, exercises, and other activities of the curriculum. The latter part of the chapter focuses on what skills or information couples felt they were learning, and how, if at all, they thought the program might be affecting their relationships. To ensure that reactions are spoken in the voice of the participants, we use direct quotations of participants throughout the chapter.

A. INITIAL RELUCTANCE TO ATTEND GROUP SESSIONS

As described in the previous chapter, the pilot sites observed that a certain proportion of eligible participants who readily agreed to participate in the study and were randomly assigned to the program group did not show up to any group sessions. They also saw that those who did come to at least one group session were likely to continue attending over an extended period, at least sporadically. In an effort to understand this phenomenon, we asked participants if they had had any initial concerns about attending the group sessions, and if so, what encouraged them to try it.

1. Participants’ Concerns

Few in the general public are aware of marriage education programs or what they entail. This is especially true in the low-income population, where such programs have been largely unavailable. Although the concept of a program that helps to strengthen relationships may sound appealing, some individuals may have second thoughts about attending because they have little understanding of what to expect. In our discussions with them, some BSF pilot participants reported that, before joining the groups, they were anxious that the sessions would be either boring and uninteresting, would require that they reveal deeply personal feelings or thoughts, or would take a directive approach essentially telling them what to do.

One mother from Orlando, Florida, described her initial feelings about attending the group sessions. Her comments are illustrative of some participants’ initial fears about attending the group sessions, but they also illustrate how her feelings changed after attending:

I was kind of scared…at first.…[I thought] they were gonna be telling me what to do…but it really wasn’t like that; they have really been helping me with my relationship…my relationship was a little rocky before I joined the group…I got back together with him [the father of her baby], since I have been coming to group, we have started talking about stuff now, stuff that we wasn’t comfortable talking to each other about…

Other BSF participants indicated that they had had negative experiences in the past in mandated educational or counseling settings. These individuals were particularly concerned that they might be revealed as having something psychologically wrong with them, or be seen as not being intelligent enough to learn the material. For instance, one Hispanic father in Texas was concerned that he would be embarrassed in front of the other men in group. He asked his home visitor to teach him some of the skills before going to group so that he would have a head start. A mother in Orlando, who told us she “has a problem with authority figures,” made this comment:

I guess I thought it would be like really forceful…like you have to do it a certain way. I thought…it would be more like therapy…. I hate…people that think they know more than me, and think they know all about me and can tell me what’s wrong with me and stuff like that. So that’s what I thought, I was afraid it was going to be like that, but it really wasn’t.

2. What Helped to Reduce Participants’ Concerns

Given the initial hesitation of some enrollees, pilot sites needed to develop creative strategies to engage couples in the group workshops; many of these are discussed in Chapter IV. During our site visits, some participants mentioned that receiving personal attention from group facilitators, such as a home visit, encouraged them to try the group workshop. For example, a mother in Indianapolis was concerned about fitting in to the group and being accepted. She described how staff made a personal visit to talk over her concerns and reassure her that the group was a place where she could be herself and talk about her own feelings and experiences:

When they [the facilitators] came to the house, they made you feel like you would be welcome at the group and you wouldn’t need to be closed about how you were really feeling. And if things are bothering you, when you come here, you could talk about them.

Some sites held orientation sessions to help couples gain a better understanding of what to expect in the group sessions and to help them to get to know the staff and other couples. One mother in Baton Rouge said that the orientation made it easier for her to return for the group the following week because she already knew who would be there and had some idea of what they would be like. The orientations that seemed most successful were designed to be icebreakers, with games and door prizes. During these orientations, couples also were provided information about what happens during a typical group session, but with little emphasis on ground rules for participating.

B. ACTIVE PARTICIPATION DURING GROUP SESSIONS

In this section we describe the level at which couples engaged in the activities of the group sessions, as well as their thoughts and feelings about participating in a group with other couples. As described in Chapter I, the pilot sites followed one of three different curricula, all of which used a group context, and all of which were intended to engage the interest and active involvement of participants during the session. However, each curriculum took somewhat different teaching approaches, with relative emphases on the group context. These differences often were reflected in comments offered by participants as discussed below.

The Loving Couples, Loving Children (LCLC) curriculum uses specially developed videos to stimulate a group-led discussion about common couple issues. The developers believed that providing an opportunity for participants to share experiences with others would be important in promoting active involvement and a sense of connection among group members, and also to prepare them for receiving information and instruction on how to handle these issues. In contrast, Love’s Cradle focuses less on group discussion and exchange, and places somewhat greater emphasis on teaching a structured set of communication skills. Much of a typical group session is spent with couples practicing the skills by having dialogues with their partners while being coached by program staff. As their communication skills develop, couples are encouraged to solve some of their actual relationship problems during the time set aside for these “deep dialogues.” The adapted Becoming Parents Program takes yet another teaching approach, relying more on lecture, PowerPoint presentations, and questions directed at the group by the instructor. Group members rarely discuss issues or personal experiences with one another, but couples do work on exercises with their partners to develop specific skills.

We interviewed program participants in two Love’s Cradle groups (San Angelo and Houston) and five LCLC groups (Indianapolis, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, Baton Rouge, and Fort Wayne). Because of the timing of our study, we were unable to interview participants in the Becoming Parents Program (Oklahoma).

1. Participant Engagement in the Group Activities

In general, observations by the research team, program staff, and curriculum developers indicated that the vast majority of couples across sites and curricula were highly active and engaged in the activities of the group sessions. Male participants in most groups were as actively engaged as their female partners, if not more so. Program staff had expected that it might be difficult to engage men in group discussions and exercises. They were surprised that men were talkative and frequently offered their thoughts and comments. Typically, they were open to the information provided by facilitators, spontaneously expressed their feelings, and appeared to value the opportunity of learning new ways of interacting with their partners. One father reported that the group sessions were a positive experience that allowed him to learn more about himself and his partner:

It’s a relief actually, talking out things. You get here and you talk about things you never talk about at home. And you’re like, I didn’t know you felt like that, and you learn something new about your partner. And that’s exciting.

Both men and women readily engaged in the exercises. These exercises were designed to help them practice various relationship skills, such as how to show empathy and understanding, and how to ask for what you need without assigning blame. In discussing their experiences with the research team, participants indicated that they especially enjoyed the exercises that were game-like, involving materials such as card decks, because these offered the opportunity to try the skill in a practical, concrete, and non-intimidating way. For example, one father in an LCLC group described an exercise focused on the skill of compromise:

We did a little game where you fill in the information on the inside of a circle to show what you are not willing to compromise on, and things on the outside of the circle are things you are willing to compromise. So basically you learn a lot more about your partner and about yourself…I learned that some of the things I thought I would be able to compromise on, I couldn’t, but some things that I thought I would not be able to compromise on, I could.

Comments from participants in the Love’s Cradle groups tended to be more focused on learning core communication skills. They commented in particular on their reactions to sessions that addressed listening and empathizing with a partner’s views, even when one disagrees. Most couples felt that learning the skills was a challenge, and that using them could be hard. Couples at one site found that using the empathy skill seemed “weird” at first, because it involved what they saw as paraphrasing or repeating back what their partner had just said. Nevertheless, they found the skill beneficial because they felt it helped to slow down the conversation and prevent it from going out of control. One mother in San Angelo said that although conversations with her partner might start in the negative, they have learned how to change it and “talk in skills.”

2. Participant Views of Learning in a Couples’ Group Format

Most participants indicated that they liked the experience of being in a group with other couples like themselves. For most, BSF was the first time they had participated together in a couples’ group. Participants cited several benefits of this aspect of the experience. First, it reduced the sense of isolation that many participants apparently felt, and helped them feel part of a supportive community focused on building strong families. In most groups, couples were observed to develop close bonds and friendships over time—some socialized with each another outside of groups, babysat for each other, or shared rides to groups. A second benefit was that the presence of other couples provided a wealth of relationship experiences from which the group could learn. This was especially true in the LCLC group discussions, which are designed to give couples the opportunity to share experiences and views. One father in Indianapolis remarked that, by attending groups:

…you learn how much like other people you are and how much other people’s problems coincide with yours. You learn different perspectives on how to deal with problems.

Another father in a different LCLC group explained it this way:

Basically we learn from other people’s experiences, and I think it’s great the group has a lot of people in it. In your relationship, it’s just two people trying to go at it together and when you talk with other couples you realize there are other ways of doing things.

This view was shared by the female participants as well. For example, this mother in Indianapolis described how she enjoyed the developing friendships in her group, and how they enriched the discussions:

I was glad when the group got bigger. Initially it was just the four of us and I thought, I hope it’s going to get bigger. And as it got bigger, it got more fun. Now it feels like we’re all friends, in a sense, and the more people you have the more situations you hear about.

A third benefit of participating with other couples in a group format was observed by participants in both the Love’s Cradle and the LCLC groups. Parents in both kinds of groups indicated that being with other couples allowed them to see firsthand that relationship struggles, especially when a new baby is present, are normal and not necessarily a reason to break up. The group provided a powerful message to couples that they are not alone, and that relationship ups and downs are to be expected. This lesson is likely to be important because many young couples lack exposure to models of good relationships and marriage and may mistakenly believe that good relationships are trouble-free. One mother in Fort Lauderdale put it succinctly:

I always thought our relationship was bad because we would argue. We just had a really messed up relationship. Then we came here and we realized, oh, we’re normal.

The following two comments by mothers in the Love’s Cradle group in San Angelo underscore this normalizing influence of being with other couples, and how getting to know and trust the other participants provides a sense of safety:

I always questioned, do other people really go through all this? Meeting other couples at the group shows they do.

It doesn’t feel like we’re in a class. We’ve all gotten to know each other, so I don’t feel like it’s class. It feels like home.

C. PARTICIPANTS' PERCEPTIONS OF WHAT THEY LEARNED AND HOW THIS AFFECTS THEIR RELATIONSHIPS

During our discussions with participants at various pilot sites, we asked about the skills couples felt they were learning in group sessions, and whether they perceived any benefits to their relationship. At the time, couples at the LCLC sites were in the early weeks of the curriculum series (mostly between weeks 5 and 7), while the Love’s Cradle couples were in week 12.

1. Communication, Problem Solving, and Conflict Management

Participants in the pilot sites expressed the belief that communication with their partners had improved and conflict had lessened since they had begun attending the group workshops. Specifically, participants described engaging in more positive communication with their partners, as well as more appropriate expression of feelings and emotions. One mother in Fort Lauderdale reported that the group sessions had helped her to have more open conversations with her partner and helped him to explain his feelings to her more clearly. Participants noted that they learned to de-escalate conflicts, slow down arguments, and compromise on difficult topics. During one discussion, participants described how the group workshop helped them to re-conceptualize the meaning of conflict in their relationship. In more than one group, participants indicated that they had learned that conflict that ends with a winner and a loser is really a loss for the couple.

One participant described how he thought the program was improving his relationship with his partner and why they continue to participate:

We used to bicker a lot, and now we don’t let small stuff get in the way anymore. Just coming here every week has made our relationship stronger than it has been, and we learn and get ideas from others that we put into play. So that’s why we’re here every Saturday.

The reduced level of escalated conflict was a particular benefit frequently cited by participants. One father mentioned:

It helps us control our emotions better. Where before there were screams and insults, now we know how to control ourselves….that helped us more than anything.

In Houston, a father participating in a Love’s Cradle group conducted entirely in Spanish voiced a very similar view:

More than anything, they teach you how to handle a situation in your house, whereas before there were fights and shouts. I say that it has helped us a lot on how to handle a situation like this. We handle it with more responsibility and respect.

In the same group, another father focused on how he found the role-playing by group facilitators to be especially helpful in learning how to solve problems:

Here in the sessions, they give us examples on how the problem needs to be solved, how we need to talk and it makes us reflect on how one needs to act. It has helped us because they give us examples. Depending on the solution to the problem, they act out an argument and then they show us how to solve it. We see how we should act, with the examples they provide.

2. Self-Awareness, Connection, and Commitment

Besides improving communication, problem solving, and conflict management, participants noted that they also developed greater self-understanding, along with a deeper connection and increased level of commitment to their partner. Some activities encourage participants to develop more insight about themselves and their partners, which participants described as resulting in stronger relationships. During one discussion, a father in Orlando stated that the group workshop:

…helped us get closer and get to be more open with each other about things….

Participants in another discussion described an increased sense of commitment to their partners after several group sessions. These participants noted that the group sessions encouraged them to focus on the relationship and that the act of doing this caused participants to realize just how much they really wanted their relationships to work. The following quote from a father in Indianapolis summarizes the benefits he saw from participating in the group sessions. He remarked that he and his partner often leave a group session with:

…a better feeling, a better understanding of each other, of our relationship and how to go about in our relationship.

Some couples noted that the group sessions had helped to clarify where they wanted to go in terms of their relationships. For instance, a couple in Fort Wayne said that being in the group had resulted in their fighting less and talking more, and had helped them to “know the direction we want to move in.”

Two of the curricula used in BSF strive to help couples get to know each other on a deeper level and provide structured opportunities for open and honest sharing of feelings and experiences. This aspect of the curricula goes beyond the standard practice of focusing exclusively on the development of cognitive skills in marriage education. So far, it appears that this added theme of accepting others’ emotions and effectively expressing one’s own feelings has been well-received. Most participants were eager to “tell their stories” and feel acceptance by others in the group. This in turn, appeared to contribute to a sense of bonding and, according to staff in some sites, improved attendance. Most importantly, focus group participants indicated that hearing about their partner’s past experiences helped them to understand each other on a deeper level, and the practice in having meaningful dialogues gave them greater confidence in talking with their partners about sensitive issues, in particular whether or when they should get married.

The group facilitators in Baton Rouge (a married African American couple) reported that, through the curriculum, they were learning a great deal about African American unmarried couples. For example, they observed that in one session, called “Two Sides to Every Fight,” the men explained that they often did not feel respected by their partners. The group facilitators reported that in their view sometimes the women did not realize what a “good catch” they actually had; and that these women often came into relationships with unrealistic expectations.

Regardless of group or site, nearly every participant spoken to by the research team indicated that they would recommend the program to others (some already had done so). This comment by a mother in Houston illustrates the general tone of most participants’ feelings:

Of course, I would recommend this program, because it is a very good program that helps you with everything. They [program staff] help you with the children …how to be a better couple and parents.

3. Parenting and Child Development

Three of the four sites included in this study embedded marriage education within home-visiting programs that provide information and instruction on parenting and child development. Among participants in those sites, the benefits in the area of parenting were also mentioned. When asked what they thought of the group sessions, several Hispanic parents in Houston responded with examples that included what they were learning about their children:

I say that it helps us in everything, not only with that [the couple relationship] but also with our children. How they are evolving and they teach us how to have patience, how to understand them. That is to say, it covers everything. It starts with the couples’ relationship and ends with the children.

They teach us about how the children are developing and all of that is very interesting to me because she is my first child and I did not know how she was growing. All of that has changed…they give me information about everything, about how she will be learning, doing, and discovering. I would recommend this program because it is a very good program that helps you with everything. They help you with the children, how to be a better couple and parents.

4. Application of Skills to Daily Interaction

Although we could not observe participants in their daily lives, we did ask them whether they practiced or used the skills at home with their partners. Many couples in groups whose curriculum included exercise-building materials and videos reported using these in the home setting. One couple commented that the talk-show videos used at the start of each group session “tell our story” and help trigger issues for discussion between them. A number of couples mentioned use of the “gentle start-up” skill they had been taught to keep discussions calm and prevent escalation of conflicts. Another popular skill cited by several participants was compromise. A father in Orlando said:

The topic we had last week was great… about compromise… that was a good session, because as soon as we left here, we went home and something came up that we had to compromise about and we sat there and said that was a good class today, because we used this now.

A mother in the Houston group mentioned how the skills were hard to use, but noted that they nevertheless provided an important advantage:

When you are having a fight, you remember the skills and it helps you not to focus on being mad. The skills help to calm you down and make you think before you talk.

D. SUMMARY AND IMPLICATIONS

Much of the information for this report was gathered during an early stage of pilot operations—often only four to five weeks after each site’s first group series began. Given that this was the first time any of the group facilitators had used the curricula, the findings in this chapter should be considered preliminary. Nevertheless, the pattern of positive participant responses across sites and curricula is encouraging. Below, we briefly summarize these findings and draw some conclusions.

1. Summary

With respect to participants’ perceptions, our observations suggest that couples who attended the BSF group workshops during the pilot period enjoyed the experience and believed that they were learning valuable lessons through the marriage and relationship skills education. Although some were initially hesitant to attend the group workshop, individual support and information from program staff and group facilitators helped to encourage many couples to attend and, when they did, both mothers and fathers participated actively in the group workshops. The couples reported that the group sessions increased their skills and helped them to develop a better understanding of themselves and their partners. Participants also said that being with other couples like themselves made them feel part of a supportive community and helped them to realize that their experiences and relationship challenges were neither unique nor necessarily a reason to break up. Although more specific information will be available when data are collected from program participants 15 months after entering the program, each site has reported that some number of couples who attended the group workshops became engaged or had married during the pilot period.

2. Implications for Program Implementation

Our study of BSF couples’ reactions to the initial marriage education groups suggests that, even during the very early stages of the pilot program, couples were responding well to the experience. Most participants demonstrated a basic understanding of what they had been taught, and several gave examples of applying the concepts and skills in daily interactions with their partners. As the programs continue to develop experience in providing the group sessions, refinements undoubtedly will be made to further ensure that couples are comprehending and internalizing the information and skills. Future evaluation reports will show whether participants retain the skills they learn in the group sessions, and whether these new skills have measurable impacts on healthy marriage and the well-being of children.

There are several implications of these findings for program development and implementation. The finding that many participants are nervous about attending the first group meeting suggests that programs should take steps to identify and address prospective participants’ concerns. Obviously, the skill and enthusiasm with which program staff describe the group sessions are important. But there may be other, more compelling ways to take the mystery out of relationship skills education. For example, staff might show couples a brief video of a typical group workshop. Alternatively, they could ask current or past participants to describe the program, by speaking directly to new enrollees in person, by phone, or through written testimonials.

Of course, even if everyone who is assigned to the program group shows up for group sessions, it does not necessarily follow that they will attend as consistently as those who come without any special encouragement. This may be because those who show up without special encouragement are more motivated than others. However, since it is not possible to know an enrollee’s true level of motivation prior to participation, it seems essential to encourage all enrollees to try at least one group. It is possible that couples who need special encouragement might find enough satisfaction in the first session to make continued attendance appealing.

The high level of male engagement in group activities was rather surprising. Although not formally tested, it seems reasonable that this was at least partly due to the use of male-female group facilitator teams. Male facilitators were able to draw on their own experiences as men, and their presence gave the fathers someone to whom they could readily relate. The use of both male and female leaders probably also reduced the possibility that participants would be tempted to blame the opposite sex for their problems and provided the opportunity to show that often there are two gender-related sides to many issues.

The finding that couples valued learning from other couples’ experiences implies that providing an opportunity for participants to discuss their struggles and successes in the presence of others may be an important element of the program. The value of such sharing undoubtedly depends on the skill and training of facilitators. Nevertheless, the group format in all programs was useful in that it appeared to reduce feelings of isolation, encourage friendships, and normalize the type of struggles often associated with the birth of a new child. In curricula that encourage participants to tell their stories, this aspect of the program seemed to be an empowering experience, sometimes even leading couples to new insights about themselves or their partners. Another advantage of self-expression is that it illuminated, for group facilitators, the particular challenges facing the couples in their groups. Facilitators could then use this knowledge constructively by tying the curriculum concepts and skills to the couples’ experience, thus showing them how to use the tools to solve their own problems instead of solving those problems for them.

 

 

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